The past few years have been a whirl of feeling crappy. All. The. Time. I kept doing stuff in hopes that my body would snap out of it. I was convinced that it was all in my head and that at any moment something would click and it would be over. I thought I just needed to find my passion. I needed to find what I loved to do. As it turns out, I was doing what I loved and getting the opportunity now to do it full time, but my body was screaming at me to slow the F down!!!
It took me a plethora of doctor visits and tests before I got so sick of feeling sick, I went for the ultimate workup, MAYO!! I had myself convinced that going in they were going to tell me I was making myself sick with my anxiety and perfectionism. As it turns out, I wasn't. Somewhere along the line of being pregnant with my little girl, the Naked Princess (another story for another time), I got sick and my body never recovered. In fact, it went into overdrive and basically shuts down when I push it.
The diagnosis was Fibromyalgia, or Myalgic Encepholomyelititis (?) ME/CFS, in addition to some weird gooky thing going on with my Autonomic Nervous System that was causing me extreme dizziness and the collapse I had in the yard. This was the end of the line in doctors, the best of the best telling me this. I was thrilled and confused. I found out that I can manage it, but it most likely will always be the Bane of my existence. Why the Bane? Well, I'm apparently a Type A personality and I'm not happy if I'm not in control and doing absolutely EVERYTHING! The doctors had to tell me that too! HA!
No, not me!! Anyone who knows me will tell me they're right, but I wanted to believe I was still 20 years old and able to do whatever I wanted at any given time. As it turns out, not so much. I'm in my 40s and in addition to aging, this had to happen too. Gosh, it's like double old, UGH! So, what do I do? Is there a fountain of youth and a cure? If so, I'll take 2!!
Ok, so I got home from my travels and decided I'd listen. I've been exercising about 10 minutes every night and taking my time getting things done while not worrying about all that needs to get done. Letting it go I guess. It's been REALLY hard, but if I want to be worth anything to those people who obviously love me a ton, I need to slow down. I behaved and got way more done than I had in a long time. It turns out that slow and steady really DOES win the race. It still didn't make it any easier...
Denial sets in and I start thinking too much about it, as usual. I was told that I have 10 bucks of energy to spend a day, not a penny more, and I cannot budget and save for one big day either. Hardest thing for me to hear, slow down. But, but, but...I have things to do, I have plans, I have big dreams!! How could this happen to ME? I'm so active and busy and all that crap! I cannot slow down. It turns out that when I don't slow down, my body just puts on the brakes, and that's way worse than just tuning down a little bit. On days when I crash, I find it almost impossible to finish anything. My body feels like concrete and my mind won't shut the heck up!
So, after a week of behaving, I felt good and tried in a weekend to do it all. Now it's Monday. My body is PISSED at me! My joints are burning hot and stinging like bees and my head hurts and stomach sick. Yes, this is the feeling I'd been trying to convey to so many doctors and loved ones. This is what they described to me as my body telling me to slow the hell down. And this blog is me putting it out there so I have no more excuses and I don't wear myself to the bone again. Not a cry for help, but a touch of self-awareness I didn't have. Maybe through writing about it, someone else can relate and realize they too need to slow down. For now, I think I'm starting to get it.
Yes, I'll probably overdo it again as it is my nature to conquer the world, but lucky for me I have loved ones who keep an eye on me. And a Hubster who is truly cheering me on to change! Now I know the value of the RV I came home to, sort of (yes another story for another time). It will allow me to do things I LOVE with those I LOVE and still be able to take my time! He is always thinking about me ;)
Ok, enough yapping about it...I'm going to whack some weeds! What? I say F you Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, POTS, or whatever the F you are! I've got 10 bucks and today I will use it wisely!!
Peace Out!
xoxo
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